By Mark Leyner and Dr. Billy Goldberg:

Is it true that our noses actually grow ever longer as we age?

Wouldn't this be yet another depressing indignity heaped upon all the other depressing indignities that accompany getting older? Well, there's good news and bad news.

The good news: No, our noses don't grow longer. The bad news: Our noses DROOP. 

Gravity is the villain here. As the collagen and elastin in our skin break down, our skin loses its strength and suppleness and the pull of gravity wreaks all manner of havoc upon our bodies. It causes the tips of our noses to droop, our eyelids to fall, our ears to elongate and our jowls to form. It causes our boobs and our scrotums to sag.

Gravity even causes those lovely, purplish varicose veins. Normal veins work against the force of gravity. Over time, as the vein walls weaken, the pressure of gravity causes veins, especially in the legs and calves, to enlarge and bulge.

Gravity is like the hand of fate. It's like the hand that reaches out of the grave and grabs Amy Irving in Brian De Palma's "Carrie." It will grab you and pull and won't let go.

A pox on gravity! Who wants a saggy scrotum?  Wouldn't it be nice not to have any?  (We mean not have any gravity, not scrotums.)

Not really. First of all, without gravity, we'd all be unceremoniously flung off the earth – never mind the fact that Kobe's 3-point jump shot at the buzzer would never come down, and those wonderful Olympic synchronized divers would plummet, not gracefully down towards the surface of the pool, but straight up into the infinite cosmos in perfect eternal bilateral symmetry.

Is there any way to elude gravity, to be weightless, to avoid the relentless downward pull on our bodies? Any respite from the Big G would help reverse such accelerated aging, no? The moon's gravity is one-sixth that of the earth, but who the hell wants to vacation on the moon? For those of you considering space travel as an avocation, the gravitational force on Jupiter is 254 percent that of Earth. Imagine the pendulous ball-sack you'd have up there after a few months. 

There are those Zero G flights – the ones where the pilots perform a series of parabolic flight maneuvers that counter the forces of gravity and enable passengers to float and flip through the cabin at zero gravity. But at about $5,000 a pop for a total of seven or eight minutes of reduced gravity, it doesn't seem like a feasible way to prevent jowls or sagging boobs.

Let's try to look at this calmly and from a medical perspective. We, as human beings on this planet, have evolved to accommodate and thrive in gravity, specifically, our planet's gravity. The mechanical receptors in your muscles, tendons and joints and the vestibular apparatus in your inner ear have evolved so that you can maintain your orientation, your balance, agility and strength in this particular environment. Similarly, your body's hydrostatic pressure has evolved to keep your fluids and your blood plasma evenly distributed in our environment's specific gravity. Our anatomies and physiologies are as customized for our planet's unique gravitational field as they are to digest proteins and carbohydrates or metabolize vitamin D from sunlight.

It's easy to see why prolonged weightlessness – which is such an unnatural a condition for our bodies – would have all manner of deleterious effects. The sense organs in our inner ears begin to respond differently to motion and when altered sensory input confuses the brain, resulting in disorientation and nausea. Fluids migrate to the chest and head causing sinus and nasal congestion, a puffy face and bulging neck veins. Loss of blood plasma causes anemia. Weight-bearing bones and muscles deteriorate. Fluid redistribution shrinks your legs. Your kidney filtration rate increases resulting in kidney stones.  It's a mess!

Over the course of millennia and in our own brief lifetimes we are both formed and deformed by gravity. As we slide toward senescence, our complicated relationships with gravity – that most fundamental force of nature – goes distinctly south. Along with our noses and our boobs and our scrotums. It is, in the end, the price we pay for being Earthlings.

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By Diane Mapes

We've all heard those warnings at the end of Viagra, Cialis or Levitra commercials about contacting your doctor if you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours (prompting many a joker to declare, "the hell with the doctor, I'm calling my friends!").

But priapism, a prolonged erection unaccompanied by sexual desire and unaffected by orgasm, is actually no laughing matter.

"A prolonged erection is usually painful," says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California at San Francisco and spokesperson for the American Urological Association. "Men usually know something's wrong even if they've never heard of this condition, and almost always come in for care because of the pain. There are some men who don't want to go to the doctor or an emergency room, but they should know that it's a potentially serious condition which can result in permanent erectile dysfunction if it's not taken care of."

Named for Priapus, the Greek god of fertility who sported an oversized, eternally-erect penis (so large, in fact, he used it to frighten away anyone who tried to plunder his gardens), priapism brought on by erectile dysfunction drugs is extremely rare.

"The [Food and Drug Administration] requires a warning in the package insert because of the potential complication, but I've been prescribing Viagra for 10 years to many thousands of men and have never seen a case," says Sharlip, who maintains a private urology practice in San Francisco. "It does happen even in men who aren't taking erection drugs – I've taken care of the problem at the emergency room at the medical center where I work — but  it's really rare. So rare, that I don't discuss this as a potential complication with my patients."

Rough statistics from the FDA's adverse event reporting system (AERS) regarding the erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs Viagra, Cialis and Levitra show a total of just 93 cases of prolonged erection greater than four hours or painful erection greater than six hours (priapism) in all of 2007 — 74  for Viagra, three for Levitra and 16 for Cialis. According to the FDA, physicians are encouraged to report suspected adverse events, although the event may be related to an underlying disease, another drug or simple chance.

Priapism is much more commonly seen in conjunction with penile injection therapy (an alternate treatment for ED), blood diseases such as leukemia or sickle-cell anemia, injury or trauma to the penis, spinal cord injuries, or as a side effect to certain drugs such as the antidepressant trazadone. The condition is found in all age groups, including children (usually in association with leukemia). There are also extremely rare cases of priapism in females (known as clitorism). A recent msnbc.com column dealth with a 70-year-old man who thought he had a form of priapism.

To understand priapism, it's important to first understand the mechanics of an erection, which occurs when the blood vessels of the penis relax and open. ED drugs like Viagra don't trigger erection — you  need some kind of sexual stimulation for that —  but  they definitely set the stage by increasing enzyme actions in the erection chambers. Once the stage is set (via a little blue pill and a few soft lights, a hint of lingerie, and the musical stylings of Barry White), the spongy tissues along the length of the penis fill with blood and harden and the veins leaving the penis constrict.

Unfortunately, in the small percentage of men suffering from priapism, the system goes haywire and they're unable to get rid of their erection once it shows up. In a nutshell, blood can get in but it can't get out, a condition that sounds a bit like one of those old Roach Motel commercials, but is actually quite serious.

"If an erection is left in place for more than 12 hours, damage to the tissue in the erection chambers can occur," says Sharlip. "It can be a cause of serious erectile dysfunction. They may be able to get a partial erection in the future, but not a full erection."

Worse yet, there have been reported cases of permanent penile injury thanks to untreated priapism. Dr. Christopher Steidle, author of "The Impotence Sourcebook," details the case of "H.A.," a medical professional who, after reading about the treatment of erectile dysfunction with penile injections, injected himself with an excessive dose.

Unfortunately, he then developed priapism, but was so embarrassed he went for seven days before seeking medical help. According to Steidle, "the resulting erection was unsalvageable, and the patient was left with a penis that was less than an inch long." 

If you should find yourself with a four-hour erection on your hands, the sooner you seek treatment (which usually involves either draining the blood from the area with a needle or doing the same thing with a surgical shunt), the better off your penis will be.

As for those who would make light of what doctors consider a serious medical emergency?

"I suppose it's funny to talk about," says Sharlip.  "But it's not funny when it happens to you."

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By Diane Mapes

If ever there were a disease designed to vex a mother, it's Uncombable Hair Syndrome (UHS).

The rare disease, which has produced less than 100 cases in medical journals since 1973, usually presents itself between the ages of 3 months and 12 years and is exactly as it sounds. The hair, which grows in silvery-blond or straw-colored, stands out straight from the scalp and is impossible to comb.

The problem, according to dermatologist Dr. David Orentreich of New York's Orentreich Medical Group, lies within the hair shaft.

"If you look at the hair close up, you'll see one or more channels or grooves running down the shaft," says Orentreich, assistant clinical professor at Mt. Sinai School of Medicine. "That imparts a different behavior to the hair. Normally, hair is quite pliable. You can run your fingers through it; it will bend easily when you comb it. But this makes the hair very difficult to comb. It just won't bend."

Affected hair is dry, curly, brittle, and progressively uncombable, eventually taking on a "spangled" or shimmery appearance, most likely due to the reflection of light off the irregular surface of the shaft. That shimmering may explain its more common name, "spun glass hair."

While only scalp hair is affected — there's no such thing as uncombable eyebrow syndrome — UHS is sometimes seen as part of a larger group of genetic abnormalities known as ectodermal dysplasia, a group of about 150 heritable disorders that affect the skin, hair, teeth and nails, etc.

UHS was first described in 1973 in a French medical study, which dubbed it "cheveux incoiffables." It has been found to be both genetic and sporadic. In a 1982 German study, uncombable hair syndrome was present in six members of one family. A 2007 medical journal reported the case of a family affected by the condition for four generations (some members also showed signs of abnormalities of the nails as well).

While the syndrome has only been recently scientifically recognized, it has been part of German literature for more than 150 years, Orentreich says. The popular children's fairy tale "Der Struwwelpeter" (Slovenly or Shaggy Peter) is a morality tale written by a Frankfurt physician in 1845 about a naughty little boy who refuses to groom himself properly. A Victorian illustration for the story shows a boy with unruly blonde hair and incredibly long nails. In 2000 the fairy tale was turned into the macabre opera, "Shockheaded Peter," which takes the children's misbehavior to a new dark level (the kids all die).

"The original story was probably based on children who had ectodermal dysplasia," says Orentreich. "These kids were observed back then with a much greater degree of ignorance with regard to medicine and health. If their hair was wild, people thought the kid was also wild."

Today, uncombable hair can sometimes be tamed with the use of biotin, also known as vitamin H, at least with regard to the hair's appearance (the strange structure of the hair is not affected). Other relief for tangling and uncombability may be found through the use of lubricating hair products which contain biotin or other moisturizers, says Osrentreich.

As for those of you with just plain bad hair, a German study (perhaps inspired by bedtime readings of Slovenly Peter) released last month has shed light on how hair fibers interact. Using an atomic force microscope and samples of Caucasian female hair, researchers at the University of Bayreuth in Germany found that damage to hair causes scaly projections to protrude from hair fibers. These projections create friction and make hair feel rough to the touch and hard to comb.

Not to be confused with rats' nests (which mothers discovered centuries ago), these insights into molecularly misbehaving hair may help researchers develop better hair products in the future.

As for uncombable hair, as one study puts it, "the hair is grossly abnormal in infancy and early childhood, but may have improved manageability later in life."

In other words, it will probably drive your poor mom crazy for a few years (and elicit a few unkind comments from insensitive strangers), but eventually, like so many other childhood peccadilloes -  i.e., nose picking, scab eating and temper tantrums - it will simply disappear.

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