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Subscribe to RSSDo you let your BFF know when she has lettuce caught between her teeth? How about telling your buddy his fly is unzipped? Or pointing out that a coworker is dragging toilet paper on his shoe?
Whether you say something in these potentially awkward situations and how quickly you do reveals something about your personality.
Those who are the most afraid of being embarrassed are slower to point out an easily correctible flaw, if they even bother to say anything at all, a new study finds.
"People tend to underestimate how much our behavior is influenced by a fear of being embarrassed," says Melanie Green, one of the study's co-authors.
Researchers wondered if a fear of embarrassment makes a person hesitant to get involved in a "bystander intervention." Some studies have suggested that someone's willingness to help is influenced more by the situation rather than personality.
Studies looking at temperament have focused on qualities making people more inclined to act, whether it's a sense of responsibility or empathy toward others. In this study, researchers explored the flip side, whether one aspect of personality -- embarrassment-- inhibits the desire to help.
To test whether this behavior occurs, they looked at a "face-threatening situation," in which a person's appearance has a temporary flaw -- think mustard on your lips or the label sticking up from your shirt collar. Having someone point this out could help you save face.
The study, published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences, gave 84 college students an opportunity to help an experimenter by telling her she had ink on her face.
Some of the participants were told the ink-stained experimenter had an interview to go to afterward, and others were not. And some students shared the room with the experimenter and a confederate, someone who was in on the study, while others had a one-on-one interaction with her.
Volunteers also completed two tests measuring their tendency to feel embarrassed.
Bashful types were slower to point out the ink to the experimenter and less likely to do so with a confederate in the room. If they mentioned the ink with another person present, they did it quietly -- usually by whispering.
"People who are more concerned with embarrassment might take longer to work up the courage to engage in a potentially awkward interaction," says Green, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Having another person present makes the situation even trickier.
Would sheepish people mention a flaw to someone they knew better rather than a stranger? Although Green suspects people are more comfortable pointing out a temporary shortcoming to friends over strangers, people who are more fearful of being embarrassed seem less likely to point out flaws.
"Even though it can feel awkward, in most cases people really are being helpful by pointing out a correctable problem to someone, especially if they can do so in a discreet way," Green points out.
What about you? Do you tend to tuck in someone's sticking-out tag, or tell someone when she's got something on her face?
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I once walked down a street in DC with my skirt hem caught up in the back of my pantyhose (had been to the ladies' room just before leaving the building. Must have walked 3 blocks before a very embarrassed motorcycle cop pulled over to the curb and told me about it. I laughed all the way to my commuter bus stop. Thank goodness he told me!
It didn't happen to me, but I noticed a woman had her skirt tucked into her pantyhose at a restaurant that didn't have a restroom (so I assume she walked there like that). I stood behind her, tapped her shoulder and let her know. But then I thought...if she walked here like that, why didn't anyone tell her?!
i was once in a restroom at a nightclub when i noticed a woman walking out the door with her skirt tucked up in her pantyhose. i had to act fast but couldn't think of what to say, so i tapped her on the shoulder AND yanked her skirt out at the same moment, immediately explaining what had happened. i'm a terribly shy person, but i knew i'd die if it'd been me walking out to the dance floor unaware, so i felt i just had to overcome my own fear of embarrassment.
A better question is why we are so obsessively critical of a trivial situation such as spinach caught in teeth, or a tag sticking out.
How about this one?
I'm 5'9" and a mixture of Irish, Scottish & English genes. Another way of saying I am a "big-boned" descendant of the working European class!
Yesterday, a woman in my office stopped me and said "I don't mean to be rude, but are your ankles swollen?" I was really caught off-guard and did not know how to respond. I have had the same ankles for 63 years and no one has ever asked me that question.
She was not embarrassed at all, but for the rest of the day I felt really horrible. It made me take a second look at myself to make sure I was dressed appropriately and that all my flaws (and I have a few) were covered-up. But, my ankles seem normal size to me.
Notice there's no mention of people who lack enough care, concern, or even the slightest modicum of love for a "friend" who happens to tip the scales at 300+ pounds? One would think if they actually did care for their friend they'd suggest to them that possibly that body-hugging spandex outfit isn't exactly the most complimentary attire to wear out in public. Few things are more distasteful than watching a rather bovine like person trying to look slim in that kind of attire when they get that gelatinous mass bouncing and jiggling around while simply walking. Too many people hide behind a made up excuse of having a 'thyroid problem' or not being able to find any loose fitting fashions to dress properly. You'd think they'd have at least one friend who cared enough that they might drop at least a subtle 'hint'. Hell, even a glance in the mirror should send a clear enough message to them.
You are hitting a whole other topic. I wonder if some of us might more often point out to folks that they are mouthy and judgemental and unkind. Sorry you don't like larger folks, but I don't think I like you. I don't like that you brought this up and you probably have bad skin or great big feet. I am neither fat nor have bad skin or big feet. I am perfect, but you are not, so there.
Now don't go getting mad. I'm just trying to be a friend by pointing out that you have flaws.
It was a rainy day in Chicago and I was standing close to a building on a smoke break. I felt a huge drop of water hit my back. Finished up my smoke and walked back into the building towards the elevators. This walk is quite a ways. Get to my office to be told that I had a huge glob of pigeon crap on my back.
The only time I've been hesitant was when shortly out of college I noticed that the slip of an older co-worker was hanging a couple inches below her dress hem. I was worried that she might be embarrassed to have a male co-worker mention it, so I quietly told one of my other female co-workers so she could unobtrusively let her know.
i would not point out minor things, such as a tag. small item in teeth, lint on their shirt. To me that indicates that i was looking for flaws.. Grew up with a mother and sister who would do that incessantly, and remember how that feels. But larger embarrassing things, like toilet paper, tucked in skirt, undone zipper or button, i would let the person know, discretely. I walked 5 blocks once, not realizing my skirt had ridden up to an embarrassing height. Yikes!
First day of school in my senior year of high school, I saw a girl struggling with her crutches and all her bags. I offered to help. As we were going to her locker, I noticed the motion of her hobbling on crutches pulled open her shirt, and with every step, her whole breast was exposed. No bra, no nothing. I told her she might want to readjust her shirt, but left out what I'd seen.
I think people appreciate it when people tell them something is out of place, I know I do. When my son was an infant he would play with my shirt when I carried him. While out shopping one day my friend pointed out that my shirt was unbuttoned far enough that everyone in the store that day saw a little to much.
Now here's a tough one I think most guys can relate to -- what to do if you notice a guy with his fly down? I mean, you don't want him to think you were checking out his package or something, but if you happen to be the one with his "barn door open" ya probably don't want to walk around in a such an undignified state for very long if it's avoidable.
This is really not all that embarrassing, unless of course your Clydesdale decided to suddenly dart out!
Did the researchers take into account what level of manners the subjects grew up with? I ask because I had a grandmother who would be simply mortified if a flaw was pointed out in mixed company. She even drove my mother across town to a store where they weren't known to purchase certain feminine products. According to her, there are rules about how and when to handle the situations detailed in the article and following those rules has nothing to do with whether you're shy. It's just simply not done in any other manner. Mom had a more relaxed approach when I came along. However, there were still social rules that needed to be known.
I know a lot of people sometimes wait to let someone know of a flaw in a discreet setting (pulling someone to the side, in private). This may mean that a person may have to wait for that private moment.
But there are jerks that will announce to an entire group of people that something's amiss. I've been in meetings & training sessions where people have shouted across the room to say, "hey! you got something sticky in your hair!" or "your shirt is wide open...we can see EVERYTHING!" And of course, the person is completely embarrassed.
This reminds me of the time on the Oprah show that an audience member pointed out to Oprah that her, um, nipples were standing quite erect.
Oprah was so embarrassed.
I so appreciated that woman shopping at Costco who stopped me in the aisle to tell me I was dragging toilet paper from the back of my britches. OMG!!!!!! Thank you - thank you - and thank goodness, it was not wet or soiled!!!!!!!!
I'm currently doing my Master of Science (MSc) in consumer behaviour, so I'm well familiar with this kind of academic research process. I think whether someone pipes up also depends on the social hierarchy of the two individuals. For example, I was talking with two professors in my department. One professor had his pants zipper undone; I noticed this and I'm positive the other professor noticed as well (I noticed a snicker on his face). I really wanted to inform the unzipped-professor about his situation - partially because I didn't want him to go through the rest of the day with his pants unzipped, partially because I was close to bursting in laughter. However, I also didn't want to tell him because he's higher up than me in the social and professional hierarchy and I didn't want him to treat me any differently because he has power and seniority over me (I work with him as a teacher's assistant, I may depend on him for a reference letter one day). Maybe this comes into play with the whole embarrassing variable that these researchers looked at, or maybe this is something totally different,
What about later, after he discovered his zipper was down? He might ask himself why didn't anyone tell me? Or, on the other hand, maybe he knew his zipper was down and was waiting to see who had the courage to tell him. You will never know.
Well, I've lived most of my life from one embarrassing moment to the next. At this point it takes a lot to embarrass me. I have lots of funny stories and some not so funny. The last unfunny one happened at a wedding a month ago. I just did some free associating and what came out insulted a perfectly nice person. It was a play on words which is something I do a lot. Usually its witty and funny but this time I think it was hurtful. So its still bothering me. I got a BIIIIG MOUTH!
It's amazing time and money is spent on this BS.
Ain't that the truth?!
How do you measure "human nature"? You don't!
I tell them. I am discreet about it, but for the most part, I try to help them out right away. Especially if they are my frined, and I would hope they would do the same for me. In fact, I'm not afraid to ask my friends if I have something in my teeth, or if my nose is clean after I blow it. For a guys fly being down, I tell them "they are flying low" and usually they get it right away (I have 4 brothers- one is my Twin). It makes it comical and not so embarrassing for both of us. If a tag is hanging out hte back of a shirt, I will just tuck it in for them. Its the right thing to do :)
You want to tell your friend to zip his fly?There's an App for that.Simple, say your fly is open, now zip it.No need to be discreet. Just use common sense.Your friend or whatever, shouldn't be embarassed for you doing him a simple favor.
Have you ever heard the saying, " the barn door is open" then hope the person picks up on that. For those people where this is a chronic problem, you can only assume they are dating Lindsey Lohan!
David-
Lindsey Lohan would be the last person to tell you your barn door is open.
XYZPDQ
I once was called into the chief judge's office at our court of appeals to explain an unusual motion I was filing. After an extended discussion and as I was about to leave, he said, "you know your fly is open?" I was very embarrassed (I was a new lawyer back then) and said something about just how embarrassed I was. He said, very graciously, "don't worry about it. Once I was doing closing arguments in front of a jury and after a while the judge stopped me and called me over and told me my fly was open. Instead of zipping up in front of everybody, I continued with the summation but I made damn sure I stayed behind the podium."
Not exactly quoting Forest Gump, but close: "My momma told me to tell them, but only if they can do something about it." If they can't fix the problem, keep your mouth shut; if they can, be discreet!
With all these "kids" with their pants down half way their knees, who am I to judge whether it's embarrassing to them or it's the latest fashion? ^) so only if I know the person who am familiar with do I approach the person discretely. Same with ladies with a tummy, I don't want to congratulate them just to find out...
Do I mention it? It depends on the person and how I feel about them. If I know them well, then yes, I'll mention it immediately. If I don't know them at all, I probably will mention it. If I don't like them, or if I get a creepy feeling around them, I keep my mouth shut - I don't need people to react negatively to my helpful advice.
This is a no brainer. Anyone who has raised boys usually knows one just gets to the point and moves on. Rather like--do I mention you have spinach between your teeth. Yes, wouldn't you want to know? It's even easier with strangers.......
Back in the 70's I was typing on typewriter (remember those) and boss walked up. I looked up at him and my coworker was behind him motioning to me that his fly was open! I wasn't sure what to do - I certainly wasn't going to look for myself. It was funny because he was a psychiatrist that did sex counseling!! I called his research assistant and she said she would tell him - he did it all the time. Any time in the future I just told her if it happened in the future!
I apologize if this has been mentioned already, as I haven't read through all of the responses. I use the "five minutes/tools on hand" guideline. Can the person fix the problem in under five minutes with the tools on hand? If yes, tell them. "Your skirt is tucked into your pantyhose." "You have spinach in your teeth." I would want to know these things. Hem came undone? Yes, a temporary fix can be done at work with packing tape and a quick trip to the ladies room in under five minutes. A stain on someone's shirt? No, if they are at work and it is 10:00 a.m., they aren't going to be able to do anything about it, so just ignore it and don't call attention to it. If we're about to leave the house to attend an event and I see a stain on my husband's shirt, then yes, I tell him. Five minutes/tools on hand. Always works for me.
Good advice! I don't often run into this sort of problem, but when I do I'll apply that rule. It takes the other person's comfort into account if they can't do anything about it (although I might argue that certain stains could be removed without too much ado using a stain-stick).
In one of the first jobs of my career I was being trained by a woman who had lipstick on her teeth. Later in the day someone told her she had the smear and she confronted me about it after she found out. She told me it was important to tell a lady when this happens so it can be corrected. Ever since then, every time I have find myself in a similar situation I say "I was once told that I should tell someone when they have lipstick on their teeth, you have a little smudge" or something similar. They are always appreciative!
Once I was driving and had a really strong urge to pick my nose. So I looked carefully around to be sure there were no cars near me. I checked my mirrors, looked over my shoulder, everything. Well, apparently my car has a blind spot because when I finally succumbed to my urge a hot red sports car full of cute guys came up on my left and they were laughing and pointing at me.
Once when I was a teenager and drank beer at a party (I hate beer!) we got stopped by a cop. I was in the back seat. The cop aimed his flashlight at my face and asked me if I was drinking. I answered "no officer" then opened the door and threw up on his shoes. On second thought, that wasn't all that embarrassing. I was just glad I didn't throw up in my friend's mother's new car.
Joy - Those guys were WRONG! It's a guy-rule: nobody is allowed to see you picking your nose in the car! It's a free-fire zone. Pick away. You should have flicked it at them.