E-mail updates
Follow on Twitter
Subscribe to RSS
NBC
There is a nostalgia for time younger people never actually experienced, like for the 60s era bouncing bunnies of the NBC series "The Playboy Club." Is it that we want to be one or be with one?
Does sex have to be taboo-breaking to be hot? And now that just about every taboo has been broken, have people under 40 lost interest?
In essay by Erica Jong in the Sunday New York Times, "Is Sex Passé?", the “Fear of Flying” author frets, "…everywhere there are signs that sex has lost its frisson of freedom. Is sex less piquant when it is not forbidden? Sex itself may not be dead, but it seems sexual passion is on life support."
The essay’s churned up plenty of backlash to her sex backlash theory, with Jezebel writer Erin Gloria Ryan accusing Jong of focusing on middle-aged 30somethings, not actual young people, and ignoring “an entirely new generation's discovery of and fascination with sex.” And Salon's Tracy Clark-Flory calls Jong's piece "just the latest in a long history of arguments about how sex is being corrupted or destroyed."
But I stated similar worries to Jong in my last book, "America Unzipped," because couples and singles -- of all generations -- spoke to me of finding themselves on a kind of sexual treadmill, chasing the next thrill because the last one had become boring.
Now that the great digital cloud delivers depictions of every possible erotic combination, what’s the young taboo-breaker to do other than to retreat into a kind of defiant rejection of passionate sexual exploration?
But while there is some truth to Jong’s fretting, there is no “backlash against sex” as Jong wrote (at least not outside of the elite confines inhabited by Jong and New York and West Coast literati). Young women are not turning their backs on sex, but Jong is right when she writes that they are longing for some of the shuddering thrill that used to go with it.
While porn revenues are way down, free digital erotica (often depicting users themselves) has become an utterly mainstream pastime. Sex toy sales continue to climb and many of those buyers are under 40. (Msnbc.com recently ran a how-to for getting your dildos through TSA checkpoints.) There is no indication younger women are coupling less often than they ever did. Hookup culture is real.
But it is also true that there is nostalgia for an era people under 40 never actually experienced and of which they may have an unrealistic view. Spend any time at all on Tumblr and -- in addition to hundreds of porn blogs -- you will find Audrey Hepburn worship and Marlena Dietrich worship. Eighteen-year-old girls devote time to archiving glamorous photos of models from the early 1960s and Irving Penn photographs of Lisa Fonssagrives. Retro stripper Dita von Tease is a style icon a decade after she first broke into the mainstream. Young women are not rejecting sex, they are craving the glamour that used to surround sex.
Jong’s ziplessness (sexual encounters free of remorse or guilt) still exists, but younger people seem torn. They like the freedom. But they want the best parts of bygone eras, too. They want seduction, uncertainty, pursuit, not necessarily, as Jong argues, monogamy and missionary, pre-JFK-era sex. Maybe not like the new NBC series "The Playboy Club," but white gloves and pearls and flirtation over drinks at the St. Regis bar just seems far more engaging than shots of Red Bull and vodka and a quickie in the parking lot.
There is one other thing to consider: A certain amount of disillusionment with sex isn’t a trend, it’s biology. Our brains are designed to seek novelty. The amount of novelty each of us seeks depends on our own wiring and neurochemicals that activate that wiring. When we don’t get enough novelty, we get bored. Jong and her generation helped make it possible for all of us to get whatever form of sexual novelty we desired, any time we wanted it.
I once worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream store. I could eat as much ice cream as I wanted. After the second day, I was pretty bored with ice cream.
Msnbc.com contributor Brian Alexander is currently writing a book with Emory University neuroscientist Larry Young about the brain, love, and sex.
Want more weird health news? Find The Body Odd on Facebook.
Leave a Comment:
I'd like to point out that the actresses named in the article weren't just glamorous, they knew how to be alluring and sexy without 'wardrobe malfunctions' and flashing their naughty bits at paparazzi picture takers.
I think they have it backwards ... Sex has to be Fun to be Naughty
Hi Athyna,
Your point here is the best point of all. It's about the mystery. Not who's freeballin' it,
It's only naughty if you are doin' it right.
if I were a shrink, I'd say you and the author have some issues with what's called "projection."
Maybe you're all projecting YOUR nostalgia onto younger people? Maybe certain people, young and old, worship Dietrich, Monroe and James Dean, just like others young and old, worship Pettinson and Lady Gaga?
The fact that authors like these are given the chance to write and be seen disturbs me. Talk about dumbing down.
Jung ( a total hottie to some!) would be dismayed. but Jong (a total hack to some) would be sure to have her name on the back jacket.
If it aint naughty it aint kinky enough. Gotta have fun, gotta have satisfaction.
Perhaps the thing missing from the "hookup culture", or the problem with "ziplessness", is that there is nothing connecting the partners beyond a quick physical act. Add love and you might be surprised how much fun you can have, and that fun can last for the length of the relationship. While there has always been a "hookup culture" through history, the glamor of sex in the pre-JFK era was frequently portrayed within the confines of a loving, passionate relationship between partners (not a quickie in the parking lot).
J100 ... your kidding right??? The back seat at a Drive-In movie was way before JFK!
Quickee is no fun, c-o-n-t-i-n-u-i-t-y or a continuity in follow-up series all through the nite is the way to do. Do it with satisfaction or dont do it at all. Its better to have such sex only once or twice a month than to have many quickies thoroughout the month.
Omg, the wife and I love a quicky.. It is things like that, that keeps the interest there.
Yep. Pretty much since college when I could "hook up" any time I wanted to in the privacy of my dorm room, sex has been far less interesting than it was when I was a high school kid trying to figure out when and how to pull it off in the back seat of a car and quickly enough to make it home before curfew. Since then, I have really come to question why we make such a big deal out of it. If you've done it once (OK, maybe at least a few times), you've pretty much done it. It's not that much different or better after the 1000th time. . .
Miker...I kind of have to feel sorry for your partner(s). I am 58 and my wife is 38. We've been together for 10 years and it is "different" everytime. As far as better? I can't imagine it getting any better! Maybe you are underutilizing the biggest sex organ you have.
Miker, I know some evolutionary biologists who'd love to pick at your brain.
They'd argue that we're blessed with the ability to have an orgasm (which can only be described as just as pleasurable the 1,000th time as the 1st) in order to keep us having them, therefore some of that seed must going to the right place (s).
miker,
the difference between the first or second time and the 100th time is what you learn in between. the reason why so many relationships fail is because the partners are more opponents than couples. sex is not only about what you get its also about what you give and how you give it.
I'm just saying for me it's simply no big deal. It's just sex. When I was 17, it was all I could think about. Now, I've had it. Hundreds and thousands of times with a variety of partners, in just about any imaginable position, etc. and I just don't see anything terribly magical about it. It's just not as exciting as it was when I was younger and it was "forbidden." Yes, my wife probably does wish I felt differently. . . and my experience has convinced me that it would have been better to wait until I was married. Maybe that would have changed the way I feel about it now.
But, frankly, I sort of wonder about the emotional development of men my age who still seem to devote most of their waking hours to thinking about sex. There are just other things in life worth pursuing.
weedhopper-- I think I know why you find sex so interesting: your partner is 20 years younger than you! That would make anyone over 40 happy :-)
Have fun robbing the cradle.
Married to the same man for 23 years, mid 40s and 50 respectively. We've had the best sex of our lives during the last year after the kids moved out! Whatever time of day, nobody to 'be quiet' for... we know each other intimately, and that lends to the kind of communication that leads to completely mindblowing sex.
Perhaps if sex or some portrayal of it weren't in almost everything we see... there'd be some novelty left to it. Maybe we should dial it back a notch.
I agree, practically every commercial has sexual undertones. Every childrens Disney movies has some element of it too. When it comes to sex, there's just no innocence left in this country.
Ugh, where to begin...lol
It's all about preference, what the individual finds as interesting, fun, etc. While one girl may like toys and find that fun, another girl may be repulsed by the idea of a toy replacing what human touch and penetration of a real man can do. There's also a fine line between making love and sex. I agree with a previous commenter on the "adding love" to it. When both are mutually in love with one another, there's NO room for boredom. Exploring eachother with passion, desire and love is all it takes. I know it doesn't come in abundance in one lifetime, but if you do fall in love mutually, hold onto it as long as you can. :)
Well hey, you know the old saying: "Sex is only dirty when it's done right". Myself, I can sum up my experience in two variations of the phrase I've heard over and over again from women over the years:
A. No one's ever done that to me before
B, I've never done that before
Sensuous is being tickled with a feather...
Kinky is when they use the whole damned chicken!
Well, then you have people that are so uptight and close-minded they won't even go for what you define as "sensuous" and instead, they call you a crazy freak, LOL!
I'm 38 and I still enjoy it!
My last relationship was 6 years long, and we were amazing together (it was about the ONLY good thing in our relationship. It should have ended much earlier. But for the sex... but I digress.)
I will admit, at times (despite the fact that it was amazing), I sometimes worried about whether it would still be amazing 20 years from now. I wondered if I would ever get bored... want a little "strange".... Would I be tempted to cheat just to do something different.
But I really don't think I would cheat. I have to say, that even though we may have done it hundreds of times, it was still great. Now that we've split, I can honestly say that while I don't miss the relationship, I do miss having someone who knew exactly what I wanted. Someone that knew ALL of my buttons. Someone who understood what I meant when I said, "Do it the way I like it." Or, on the rare occasion that he wasn't firing on all cylinders, someone to whom I could say, "You know... that was less than spectacular. Luckily, I am going to give you an opportunity to try again." (And I miss his response "I AM NOT A MACHINE! I AM NOT A TOY FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT!" But he always did accept the challenge. :) )
I'm looking forward to knowing someone that well again. This time, I hope it lasts forever.... If I choose well, I truly think I could be content and sexually fulfilled (read ECSTATIC) for the rest of my life.
Great post camiwa. It seemed to peak for me in my early 30s. Now, despite being technically 'great' (in every way imaginable; in fact I'm told daily that I'm one of the luckiest men on the planet) it's lost a lot of that spine-tingling feel and restless cravings. However, when weighed against parting ways with my wife? No dice. Who knows... perhaps at 40, those of us who were lucky enough to experience a lot of variety may just have to live with that and enjoy the simple connection of it all. Or, who knows: May fall madly in sexual love one day with my wife or another. Hope it's the former!
Jon -
I hope you do. I recently had a friend (male) who was constantly talking about a little strange, and finally he did it... And realized that without a connection, sex was not that good (in fact - he had me dying laughing about how he was looking at her sleep and thinking, "GOD I WISH YOU'D LEAVE!" He said he wanted to quit/kick her out about 5 minutes in....
While I don't endorse cheating, I'm glad he got the opportunity to realize that "strange" is just strange and not at all the same as being with someone you know... and love.
Just an FYI (and I know you've heard this a million times) We women are emotional beings. Sometimes the non-sexual stuff - flowers, compliments, a romantic evening that ends in cuddling (as a single woman, I can tell you, a man gets a LOT of cred for taking me out on a super-romantic date during my "special" time. Even if it's a ploy, it works! I can't wait until that time is over to show him how much I appreciate the thoughtfulness!!!) - can really go a L O N G way towards spicing up the bedroom. :)
What an idiotic article.
"Spend any time at all on Tumblr and -- in addition to hundreds of porn blogs -- you will find Audrey Hepburn worship and Marlena Dietrich worship. Eighteen-year-old girls devote time to archiving glamorous photos of models from the early 1960s and Irving Penn photographs of Lisa Fonssagrives. Retro stripper Dita von Tease is a style icon a decade after she first broke into the mainstream. Young women are not rejecting sex, they are craving the glamour that used to surround sex."
Let me ask you dear reader if you or anyone you know has, "Audrey Hepburn worship and Marlena Dietrich worship".
None of you? I thought so.
Does the following describe you or anyone you know?
"Eighteen-year-old girls devote time to archiving glamorous photos of models from the early 1960s and Irving Penn photographs of Lisa Fonssagrives."
No? I'm not surprised.
"Retro stripper Dita von Tease is a style icon a decade after she first broke into the mainstream."
Do you know about Dita von Tease or know anyone who does?
Me neither.
I'm not actually a follower on Tumblr, whatever that is, but I worship Audrey (for her film career and her personal achievements, her sense of grace and beauty) and her counterparts-my friends do, too. Top of the top, of course, Marilyn Monroe, but Dietrich will do, too. I have friends who are into retro-glamour who are healthy and curvy just like hollywood starlets used to be and I think it's awesome! and yes, I know who Dita von Tease is.
I find it funny that you thought it an idiotic article but spent so much time reinforcing it to back up your opinion of it...
catastic-2773825: I couldn't agree with you more! When I was younger (I'm 31...I resent the article calling me a "middle-aged 30something, not [an] actual young person"), I used to rent all the classic movies to watch Audrey and Grace. Nowadays, you can find Audrey paintings, books, canvasses, etc. The reason is because we idolize her.
keith-423973: You don't know what you're talking about. Are you male? If so, don't pretend to know what girls do in their personal time. Dita von Tease is famous! I have many friends who have gotten involved in Burlesque in recent years, which has been made more popular by this woman. Check your facts before writing such nonsense!
I know a girl in her twenties , who idolizes Betty Paige.
And I know a woman in her 70s who idolizes Lady Gaga.
This article is too weighed down with huge gaping holes in its argument.
I've been celibate for going on 11 years. Shortly after college I decided to give it a try. It's actually a very interesting feeling. My whole body is on fire. One of my guy friends gave me a friendly shoulder rub when we were out last weekend and shivers ran through my entire body. Nothing against sex (because I do kind of miss it), but for me, celibacy is much more exciting.
"I once worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream store. I could eat as much ice cream as I wanted. After the second day, I was pretty bored with ice cream." This may be a true statement, but most coffee drinkers I know don't get "bored" with their routine. This is a cop out.
In the movie "Take the Money and Run" a psychiatrist asks Woody Allen if sex is dirty. "It is if you're doing it right" was his answer.
I forget which film, but in another Allen film Diane Keaton's character says something to the effect that "Sex without love is such an empty experience." Allen's character's reply is "That may be, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best."
any intimatcy between two consenting adults is fun . nauhty ,nice,kinky or other wise . sex is what you make it . what is considered naughty by you may be normal to others . I think people worry too much about what others think and not enough about what thier partner and themselves feel. have fun try it all and leave the guilt behind . life is too short.
Chevy Chase once said on SNL, "If it's not dirty you're not doing it right."
I have to agree that movie stars like Rita Hayworth in "Gilda" and Marilyn Monroe in the "Seven Year Itch", are far sexier to me than anything I have seen in recent years. The pre-code films also are intriguing without being in your face and yet I find them far sexier than most films I see today. Those days when a glimpse of a garter would send your heart racing is far sexier than someone sticking their privates in your face. Just my opinion, nothing more.
Aww OUwhine..I can see where you're coming from. What we think is excitement is nothing compared to the early days when women wore long dresses and never revealed any skin. I remember my grandparents telling me how men would get excited when a woman would step up to get on the horse carriage and when she'd raise her leg to put her foot on the step, the dress would reveal the ANKLE for a few seconds and men would swoon for just that. Now they're up your skirt whether u like it or not, pfft! No chivalry, no gentleness from men, it's all GIMME GIMME GIMME NOW! LOL pathetic!
Jello Biafra has song called "nostalgia for an age that never existed."
Go and have crushes on old movie stars, but don't confuse your lust for them with a representation of a "better time."
I find certain glances and figures very sexy, I don't care if their worn by someone 100 years ago or yesterday.
Somebody forgot the most important "sex organ" is the one between your ears....If there is no visceral/cognitive connection between the two partners, it will never be fulfilling and satisfying....Today's need for Instant Gratification negates the fact that "waiting", building momentum to a crescendo (or Climax) is what made the old Romantic flicks so Hot....
Absolutely. Sex between two monogamists is everything that leads up to the actual act. The act itself is just the final part. Focusing on the mind can be far more interesting and stimulating.
What I mean is the looks you shoot each other, copping a feel while you're making dinner, dancing in the kitchen while drinking wine, subtle hints of soon-to-be actions all add to the experience.
Sex is what you want it to be. If you like it with strangers and your partner does too, then good for you and protect yourself. If you like quickies and so does your partner, then quickies it is. It always takes two and the real goal is not to pleasure yourself, but pleasuring your partner with hopes it is returned.
Some may not like this, but here goes: According to the Bible, sex is to be only for PROCREATION, not RECREATION. Further, it should be done in a loving, wholesome manner; not a degrading or "naughty" manner. Just thought someone should point that out for the Christians that may have read this article so that they are not lead astray by such trashiness.
Maybe the article was meant for atheists? It's fine if you want to live your life in a way you feel "Christ intended" but remember this is an individual choice. Don't inflict your personal beliefs or holier than thou attitude on others.
You thought someone should point that out. Great, now you can go back to church and tell your boss/pastor you did your good dead for the day. In the meantime, let the rest of us enjoy our kinky selves!
As a Christian, I'm going to have to have to disagree with the procreation statement. I do not believe that God intended sex only for that. It was designed not only for procreation but for a husband and wife to enjoy one another. Have you not read Song of Solomon? They enjoyed one another.
No. The Bible does not say sex is to be only for PROCREATION in any way. That was an invention of puritans, the later day version of the brood of vipers, who worked very hard to destroy the Christ based/Love based church.
Middle-aged?
oh,miker but it does get better. i surely hope yor sentiments are not prevailing views in tour generation. i am 49, an old lady by your atandards. but i just connected about 6 months ago with a man who i have a great time with. we are both amazed at the heights of our enjoyment and exploration and excitement. we both think the other is hot so that is there even though we are older. but its about the human connection. its not about the physical act in an of itself, the mechanics of it. i surely hope you take the mental time and energy to explore this aspect of your sexuality and that of your partners. sex is the most amazing way of connecting and bonding. and this comes from a lady who thought she'd seen the top of the mountain already and then connected with this amazing guy in an amazing way and now know i have rediscovered a new top of the mountain. wishing you and your generation happy thrrillibg mountain views. sorry for typos etc. on my hand held.
What a terribly written article. It consists of nothing but scattered, incomplete thoughts and ridiculous opinions. Audry Hepburn worship?? 60's glamor model obsessions by 18 yr olds?? Utterly ridiculous. And thanks for the baskin robbins analogy, it really tied the article together. Can i please have a refund of the 2 minutes i wasted on reading it? ill take the comment time as a loss.
What a terribly written article. It consists of nothing but scattered, incomplete thoughts and ridiculous opinions. Audry Hepburn worship?? 60's glamor model obsessions by 18 yr olds?? Utterly ridiculous. And thanks for the baskin robbins analogy, it really tied the article together. Can i please have a refund of the 2 minutes i wasted on reading it? ill take the comment time as a loss.
I think our biggest problem is that people are not encouraged to be honest with themselves or their partners.
We have too many secrets.
The key to sexual happiness: do what you want, and find someone who wants to do it with you.
We spend too much time having sexuality marketed to us. We have less sex, and more sexiness. More titillation.
Not that titillation is wrong, but we've nearly replaced the act with the thought of the act.
All we need to do is encourage people to explore their sexuality with an open mind and a willing partner.
Gay, straight, kinky, not-kinky, monogamous, polyamorous. Doesn't matter.
"Do what you want, do it until you find love" - Enigma
More than anything else, I think that the constant focus on defining sexuality for others is our biggest problem.
We've become competitive. There's no such thing as "right" or "wrong" sex (with the exception of non-consensual sex of course).
Find someone you like doing it with, and do it. And be honest about what you want, and pursue that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=itkzaT9yk9Y
Um, JbirdoftheSouth, I'm pretty sure Song of Solomon isn't concerned strictly with procreation. Have you read your entire holy book?
Sexual arousal is like listening to music..
No matter how much you like a song, if you listen to it over and over, never listening to anything else, you'll become desensitized to it and it will hold no draw for you.
If you listen to loud, pounding music (extreme kinky actions, porn type stuff) constantly, you'll become desensitized to the subtle dynamics of a soft melody, you'll lose the appreciation for the tiny shifts in feeling and sensation that we all remember so well from first experiences.
However, if you listen to a carefully orchestrated, gradually building, highly dynamic composition that builds higher and higher, pulls you along with the flow of the music, growing the tension within the sound and the listener to a greater and greater plateau, higher and higher until you finally tower upon the powerful crescendo of emotive evocation, you can produce an experience that is one of the greatest joys and pleasures that life can offer us. And this can be done with anyone, whether a spouse of many years that you seemingly tired of long ago, or a new love whose glimmering facets seem completely shrouded as mysteries from you.
The novelty doesn't have to be in the person you're with, it can be in the actions that you take. And if we all appreciated this fact and put it to use in our bedrooms, I think a lot of affairs could be prevented and marriages saved.
Jack, I totally agree with you on the music end. In fact, I tend to get more turned on by music than people. LOL! People disappoint but music is true, never moody or complains, and always delivers what I want. :)
I remember bumping into a friend on the street after having just a T-Rex album; he saw it and said, "oh man, that album is hot! You're going to c** when you hear it!"
He was right.
I think I just had an orgasm reading that post
I never became de-sensitized by more and more or long duration of sex. The more the merrier, when it comes to sex. I have never regretted sex since the teen age years (the prime years of sexual peak). Stop? no, I like to say keep going till you can.
Some things you never get de-sensitized with. Playing golf regularly for long hours does not make the game any de- sensitized. The only time that I get de-sensitized with golf is when I am out of practice or out of play.
Oh yes!
Oh no!
Generations on furlough
must undress.
If today’s young adults are turned off to sex it may well be
because it’s gotten too dirty. A
generation ago nobody knew about Deep Throat until Linda Lovelace demonstrated it
in one of the first main stream adult films.
Before this a woman had to do little more than be receptive enough for
her lover to be vaguely satisfied whether or not she was. Now pornography is readily available and
portrays every possible connection one could conceive of. The average woman (or man, for that matter)
cannot compete any more than they could compete in the Tour De France or Pro
hockey—expecting porn star performance from the girl next door is ludicrous.
But would it be so bad if we relegated partner sex to
intimacy, love, and procreation and left hot dirty sex for the screen? Because if orgasm is the main point then
every study ever done since Masters and Johnson has verified that we do it best
when we do it for ourselves.